Falling Out Again

I have a friend that I have had 3 falling outs with. I feel it’s only a matter of time before our 4th. I was tempted to title this post, “Fallout 4,” but I know that’s a video game so let’s not get it twisted.

She was friends with my sister before I knew her. The first happened when she and my sister got into a blowout argument so I exited stage left.

The second one happened when she became addicted to pain medicine. Stage left again.

The third happened when she was arguing with her boyfriend and was lamenting how terrible he is. I was trying to diffuse her by texting that she may want to take a step back and really look at what was going on because with everyone, they were either great or horrible and there wasn’t room for any gray areas. She didn’t like that, in fact from how she reacted, she was offended and told me to fuck off in so many words.

We reconciled this last time because of me. I checked her public instagram and it seemed like she was doing better. Not to air her business, but she was diagnosed with a mental health disorder and it seemed this time she was accepting it and open to treatment.

Until now.

She has been on a medication since January. With or without her doctors orders, she increased to the maximum dose of it. He claims he never told her to increase that high and she states he did. Now she is blaming the medication and the doctor for her depression she is experiencing and her fatigue. So the doctor is reconsidering having her as a patient, and without his knowledge she has stopped her medication. She claims she is weening, but I don’t believe it because now she is fully back to the irrational person I have known before.

Just a matter of time.

I hope I didn’t just kill my career

I work in tech support at the company I work for. Basically I troubleshoot software for mobile devices as well as check them in if needing repair. On 4/28 I had a meeting with a manager and it wasn’t a good one. So possibly transferring to another department was an option. She said I could shadow someone in that department then decide if I would like to make the switch or try improve on where I am at.

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Back to School

Four or more years ago, I believed a career in technology is something I wanted. I have the career now, albeit part-time, but I have learned that tech isn’t the right fit for me. At least not tech support which is pretty much my job.

As much of the time I have been drawn to tech, I have also been drawn to what college labels the liberal arts. Plaintively, I am trying to get my ducks in a row to go back to school for a degree in English Lit. On the practical side of the degree, I currently plan to teach high school level English courses. What I also hope to gain is better ability in writing so I can create while I teach.

A dream I have had since the first grade was to be a writer, but that’s not something that goes over well when telling others. Which is why my previous blog post on giving less to no fucks is something I am working on as well. And truthfully, if I do go into teaching with my degree, I am doing so because I am not sure I am disciplined enough to not live on a steady income. Yes, practicality.

No Fucks Given

Lose all expectations. Don’t assume. Above all else, do your best.

This seems to be the theme of self-development lately. I think not long ago it was self-help, but I can’t lie, I prefer it self-development. Yesterday, I was trying to find a similar book to “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck.” I still sometimes catch myself pronouncing the “b” in the word subtle. When discussing the pronunciation of superlative with a coworker one time, she had a fancy word for when you learn a word by reading. I forget the fancy word, but you may know it.

In general, I give too many fucks. I care too much what others think. I do my best by trying to be perfect, but sometimes it bites me in the ass and I make more mistakes than I would have if I had given less fucks.

Today this changes. I go into work and do my best by giving less fucks. I do my best by having zero expectations on others and their perception of me and even less assumptions.

No fucks given is my motto for the day. And the sheer veneer I play of going with the flow will be a reality.

Here it comes, a better version of me.

Sick as a dog

Around Tuesday of last week, I began to get a sharp pain in my stomach. I had a similar stomach pain about 8 years ago and went to a Gastroenterologist who with an endoscopy and colonoscopy determined nothing was wrong so he just told me to stick to the bland diet. Figuring as much on Tuesday, I went on with my regular diet and just cut out anything with tomatoes or pizza sauce.

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