Content Warning: Graphic details of sexual acts, nudity, molestation, sexual predator, sexual acts with a minor
I have told this story a thousand times (maybe less) and I have never told its entirety. Maybe to convince others it happened. Maybe to convince myself that I was a victim. Maybe because I am scared that what I am hiding will cause more insidious effects if out in the open.
There was a hotel party. I was 14. I didn’t want to be alone with the monster. But it happened. Because I was there. I was high and hanging out on the balcony finishing up a beer. I saw his shoe before I saw him and in the moment, my heart did drop into the pit of my stomach. When I had been around him before, he’d wait until no one was looking and lick his lips at me or blow a kiss. I said nothing. He was my best friend’s sister’s boyfriend. I said nothing.
He found me on the balcony — high and drunk — and like a lion seeing a gazelle, began the hunt. He walked past me to sit in the chair in the corner. I was laid back in mine. There was one of those cheap little plastic tables between us. Across the street sat a Publix and I made a lame joke on how it looked like pubix. He laughed. He asked me to come sit on his lap. He took my hand and I pulled away. I didn’t want to anger him. I didn’t want to bear the consequences of being at that hotel party. Of being alone with him. Of not being strong enough to get up and get away. Of being too cowardice to wake the people passed out in the room. He took my hand again and I went out. I know I went out because when I came to, I was cradled in his lap, his hand up my shirt underneath my bra. And his lips were on my neck.
My mind screamed no, but my voice wouldn’t work. I couldn’t speak. Then he heard someone in the room. He placed me back in my chair and went into the room. His girlfriend was crying. She thought he left her on her birthday. He came back to the balcony and he shook my arm.
“We have to go downstairs and call her friend to come to the hotel.”
He helped me up by taking my hand and he asked if I wanted a drink. I said I wanted a Sprite. He got me a Sprite and we headed to the elevator. The Sprite was like heaven. It was crisp and bubbly and cold. In the elevator, he pressed his body into mine. He cradled my face in his hands and tilted my head up. He said I have beautiful eyes and put his lips to mine. I let him. I kissed back. His mouth tasted like Winterfresh gum. His lips were soft and his tongue probing.
We walked past security to go to the payphones. I made a slit-throat gesture to the guard, but he just smiled and nodded. Not at all curious why at some unknown hour of the night a man in his twenties was parading around with a teenage girl.
The friend couldn’t be reached so back in the elevator we went. He was kissing me again and his hands were now roaming my body instead of cradling my face. He lifted my shirt and looked at me telling me how beautiful I was. We got into the room and he took me to the bathroom. He told me to hang on a second. He went out into the room and I locked the bathroom door. He tapped quietly. I told him I was using the bathroom. I stared at the door fully clothed. He asked me to open the door in a tone, but still a whisper. I relented.
He entered and had me facing him, my back to the sink and mirror. He began undressing me. He took off my shirt, unhooked my bra, slid my jeans and underwear down over my hips. He kissed and sucked my nipples, he trailed down my stomach with his mouth. I told him I had a tampon in. He licked my pubis once. Then looked to verify there was a string there. He used his hands on me. He stayed fully clothed.
He stayed fully clothed as he explored my body with his hands and mouth. Then he stopped. He said for me to come to him. He sat on the floor with his back to the wall. I sat facing away from him between his legs. He whispered:
“No one will believe you. This is all a dream. It’s not really happening.”
My arms were on the tile floor when I replied:
“Yes it is happening, I can feel the cold floor.”
He lifted my arms onto his legs and wrapped his arms around my shoulders while shushing me.
His girlfriend woke again and he got up. He told me to stay and left the bathroom quietly shutting the door behind him. I immediately got up, locking the bathroom door. I started the bath, putting the temperature to a scalding heat I have never felt before nor since. I sat in the bath until the water turned cold. I ran another bath. Then I was so tired I couldn’t see straight. I got dressed and went and laid in the bed next to my friend. I was hoping my weight would wake her naturally, but it didn’t. I let myself cry not realizing he was still in the room. He heard me and laid next to me on the edge of the bed and spooned me shushing me and stroking my head. His girlfriend called out for him. He went to her. They began fooling around. I simply said:
“I can hear you”
They laughed. He left. I went back to the bathroom and took as many baths as I could until it was morning and his girlfriend knocked on the door wanting to shower.
To this day it disgusts me how much comfort I get when I have a Sprite or have a stick of Winterfresh gum.