I’m only faking
When I get it right
Cause I fell on
How would I know
That this could be my fate
-Soundgarden “Fell on Black Days”
I read an article about suicide the other day that I feel rings true. Of course it’s one of the many articles about Chris Cornell (lead singer of Soundgarden, Audioslave, Temple of the Dog, and one I haven’t personally heard Center for Disease Control Boys) since his passing on May 17, 2017.
The one line out of many lines in the article that struck me was:
“The idea that suicidal ideation leaves people alone when they create a good life is an absolute lie.”
Suicide never makes sense, but it’s definitely not always situational and I feel the line, “Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem” is not a blanketable statement. Blanketable is a new term made by yours truly.
I am aware the other day I posted a blog about feeling we should shut up about mental illness. I still sometimes feel that way because I am constantly reminded of it everytime I go to take my medication. And then having it thrown in your face for someone’s cheap low-blow is annoying at best. My mom the other day when we were talking said, “I forget that you have Bipolar. You’ve been doing so well it doesn’t even cross my mind anymore.”
If only that could be the case for me.
Suicide is different. We NEED to talk about it. We need preventative measures and to be there for those that are suffering in silence or crying for help.
Also, the whole thing about it being cowardice fucking kills me. And selfish? Fuck that. In my opinion, it’s not cowardice. It is not cowardice to me because I am afraid of dying. I actually do get paranoid thoughts of dying when I eat something I’ve never eaten before. If I walk out on a dock without railings and seeing all the dark water surrounding me, I freeze up. If I take my medication on autopilot and have to think did I take it or not and should I take it or not. If I’m the passenger in the car, I either ignore everything and stare at some social media on my phone or I backseat drive for the person — driving them crazy in the process.
I know suicide leaves a lot of the people in that person’s life in pain. I really get that. Yet for me, calling it selfish is an intimidation factor. It wouldn’t fly if a man told his wife, “if you leave me, I’ll take full custody of the kids” It happens, but that’s control, that’s intimidation and how is it not the same for someone to say, “people who kill themselves are selfish.” or “suicide is the most selfish act.” It is basically saying, “if you kill yourself you’ll forever be remembered as pulling the most selfish act.” “If you kill yourself it will kill me, your parents, your friends.”
I just feel it shouldn’t be like that. That’s not the healthiest way to talk about suicide prevention or prevent suicide.
Being there. Seeing them through the ugliness of what they’re dealing with. NOT judging them for having such feelings. Listening. Those are the things I would feel would help. Because those are the things that helped me the three times I tried to off myself as a teen and young adult. The third time was almost a “winner” and I think that experience is why I am so terrified of death.