Music video for context of why I titled this post the way I did.

I am 100% curious by nature. Sometimes a smidge more than 100% and my mother can vouch because she raised me and has had to deal with my incessant questions in conversations since I was a wee one. Maybe not my first word, but I wouldn’t doubt it if my first full sentence was a question.

Also by nature, I have falling outs with friends and people. Sometimes my fault, sometimes theirs, sometimes both and sometimes just misunderstandings that never get corrected. But the sense of wanting to know how they are doing never wavers. I may not want them in my life and vice versa, but I want to know how they are in a completely neutral respect. With today’s social media, I am able to do that.

Hense: Snoop.

I may not be P.I. level, but having grown up with the internet, I am pretty damn good at finding out the need to know, or just the casual curiosities. And just so we are on the same page, I have never stumbled upon information that wasn’t made public. I don’t hack or do anything intrusive like that. One avenue this post could go is the debate on if looking someone up is offensive or weird or if it’s the social norm of this age. I lean toward social norm because of the information being public. If you have a record and are mad I found it through a Google search, jokes on you buddy – maybe you shouldn’t have gotten the record. But that’s not the avenue for today. Today is a little different.

The short version (so I can get to what I really want to discuss) is I checked a social media page of a former friend. The quick back story is that we have had intense friendships with equally intense falling outs. The first falling out was caused by my sister who was friends with her first. We reconnected after a while and hid the friendship from my sister. The second fallout happened when she was abusing opioids. I had to walk away because I was unable to help her. We made up a year or so later and she seemed better until she got sick again and started using again. She went to a facility and was back and forth on the idea of being an addict. When she got out, she was texting me about a fight she was having with someone close to her. She had been unhappy since she got back. I told her that she needed to take a step back because with everyone in her life they were always either really great or really awful. Her thinking was black and white. She didn’t like that and made it very clear with colorful language – and that’s the last we spoke.

She now has been updating about dealing with multiple mental health issues and substance abuse.

I feel guilty. I know she’s going through that period where it’s back and forth on what she does or doesn’t have and what she will accept vs. what she won’t. I feel guilty because when I was first diagnosed with a mental health condition, I had people I thought were going to be with me no matter what vanish into thin air. One person even told a mutual friend of ours that she didn’t want her child around me. I know what it feels like to be left behind because of having a mental disorder.

Maybe she doesn’t care. Maybe I wasn’t to her what my once friends were to me. Maybe I am painting her with the same brush that I painted myself with.

I feel guilty because I am healthy and at a good place in my life and I don’t feel strong enough to be there for her. I don’t feel I could withstand the ups and the downs she’s going through on any given day.

But I miss her. And I hope she finds solace.


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