I would say I have experimented with drugs. Some have, some have not, some become addicts, some live to tell the tale, some not so much. I don’t feel I have tried hallucinogenics, but who really knows what was in the pill I took that one night.
When I was about 19, I was hanging with a once good friend and she wanted me to try ecstasy. During this time, there weren’t really pure ecstasy pills available so all the kids were doing rolls. They were designer drugs, typically tablet form that usually came with cute names and a logo etched on them. I only knew you weren’t supposed to take the ones called Mitsubishis because they were “dirty.” Cut with chemicals one should probably not ingest into their body. The one I swallowed that night was called a superman and it had the superman logo etched into it.
I have no idea what was in it or if it even had any ecstasy (MDMA) in it. A lot of the time these drugs had mixtures of drugs in them. Drugs like heroin and cocaine and probably whatever was available to cut them with under some grotty kitchen sink.
Niki and I took the pills and decided to head to the gas station for smokes and snacks. The pill started hitting when we were in check out, and I distinctly remember the clerk saying with serious intent for us to be careful. I have no idea if our pupils gave us away, but I just felt he knew. I was still sober enough to drive and luckily her complex was a block away.
When we got back to the apartment, it was on and I was scared. She went off to play with her boyfriend and I went into a closet for an unknown amount of time trying to convince my anxiety riddled body that I would survive this experience. I was seated on the floor shrouded in darkness with the bass of some trance song thumping through the walls. I would alternate between closed and opened eyes as I chanted under my breath, “you’re not going to die, you’re not going to die, you’re not going to die…”
Then slowly a warmth began to come over me and my mood elevated from absolute fear to everything is rainbows. I opened my Vick’s nasal inhaler and discovered how amazing that felt. I joined the group in the living room and kept demanding they play probably the most overplayed trance song, Castles in the Sky.
By the time the sun came up, everything was not rainbows anymore. For the following three days, I was the most depressed I’d probably ever been. The downfall of these kinds of drugs is they completely deplete your serotonin. I swore to myself I would never take a designer drug again. I reneged on that swear a few years later when my then boyfriend wanted us to take one. The same not going to die thing happened like I told him it would, but I have no recollection of the rest of that night. I only remember him getting pissed because I locked myself in the bedroom and wouldn’t let him near me.