Discouraged

I was hanging out with my bestie when she asked how online dating was treating me. I told her I deleted my account. I then confessed I had texted Tim, the man I have fallen back on again and again the last several years. She shook her head — paused — then said, “You know that never ends well. You just fall to him when you get discouraged.”

She’s right on it not ending well. But I don’t know that I am discouraged. I think I am just bored.

I don’t know that I contact Tim looking to be with him. As fucked and absurd as that sounds. I enjoy being single and living alone and I feel at this point in my life that relationships are just too complicated nowadays.

I don’t  know. I can’t say I have ever sought out a relationship. They either happen or they don’t. I have gone on dates, but my actual relationships in the past happened by happenstance. Meeting Jorge in college, PunkRock Jimmy at my birthday party a friend threw me, James through a friend who was dating his friend. Guys I have met through online dating never go anywhere. Tim is the longest “never going anywhere” thing that I’ve had. I met him through a dating app. When I join dating apps, it isn’t really in search of a boyfriend. It’s the I am bored and want to talk to someone new type of thing.

And maybe that is my issue. I don’t take it seriously. But who does?

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