Music and the girl

When I was a child growing up in Virginia Beach, I had an affinity for listening to music. I carry that same affinity today, but I doubt I listen to music as much as I did as a child and then adolescent. I can remember my favorite radio station being Z-104.3. It played hits like La Bouche “Be My Lover” and of course Madonna and Sheryl Crow and 4 Non Blonds. The list goes on. Crazily enough, you can still find it on iHeartRadio. It’s now out of Baltimore and Ariana Grande and Pitbull and others have replaced the pop of the 90’s.

As I grew older, music became more of an outlet for me than just something catchy and fun to listen to. I grew less social as I got older and less trusting of confiding in others. If I was angry, KoRn was my go to. If I was really sad, Fiona Apple fit the bill along with the greatest band I feel of my time, The Cranberries. Fiona gets me with the lyrics — I sooo admire her work. Dolores O’Riordan of The Cranberries gets me with her voice.

I used to listen to music all of the time. By myself in my room, with my sister in her room, every friend I would go play with. In fact, one of the things my friends and I loved to do was act like we were singing in a concert. We would put on a CD and literally rock out. Those times were always the best.

Today though, I listen to music in the car, while I’m doing housework or taking a shower. Rarely do I play it when I am just hanging out. And if I am writing like I am now, I need the silence.

Going back to music being my outlet, it makes me wonder what exact moment caused that for me. What caused me to be less trusting of friends and more inclined to listen to music to really experience my feelings. Maybe my life has always been like that. I mean, it comes pretty natural for me to listen to what others have to say rather than speak my mind, let alone my heart.

The other day I was chatting with a friend when she said again what she’s said a few times before, “You don’t open up. You push people away, and as close as we are, you’re not even open with me.”

And she’s not wrong. But I don’t know how to open up. And times where I may have opened up a little bit, I end up feeling dismissed. Perhaps not everyone is meant to be open. Maybe it’s not something I need to improve.

Possibly I just need to be comfortable in my own skin and hearing about everyone else’s issues while keeping my cards close.

Photo by averie woodard on Unsplash

16 Comments

  1. Sadah 05.22.2018 at 2:59 PM

    This is lovely.

  2. JT James 05.22.2018 at 3:05 PM

    Thanks for sharing. I feel ya.

  3. fauxcroft 05.22.2018 at 4:05 PM

    Great piece, loved the cranberries, music is so influencing within peoples lives.

    1. Synna Coal 05.22.2018 at 4:29 PM

      Thank you so much for commenting. And yes, they were amazing. Took everything in me to not let that take over this piece. The death of Dolores O’Riordan hit me hard.

    2. fauxcroft 05.22.2018 at 6:04 PM

      Same here. She is a great loss to music and life.

  4. Cheney Meaghan 05.23.2018 at 1:07 PM

    Whoa. ME TOO is what I have to say to that. Both when it comes to my relationship with music and my need to keep things close and have a hard time opening up. (Except I NEED some background music while writing.) We are okay just the way we are. People are just jealous they can’t get into our awesome, thick skins.

    1. Synna Coal 05.23.2018 at 3:41 PM

      Haha that’s awesome. Love your way of looking at it. 💕

  5. Asha Rajan 05.23.2018 at 11:32 PM

    It’s good to see you posting on the grids again after a bit of break. Welcome back! Your relationship with music is so interesting. Even when I’m not actively listening to music, there’s always a song playing in my head, so the total silence you need when writing is intriguing!

    1. Synna Coal 05.24.2018 at 8:12 AM

      How sweet you remember me. 💕 Thank you. I’m hoping to improve my writing and I love reading others’ entries. And yes, I too suffer from earworms. Lol

  6. snapsandbits 05.24.2018 at 9:43 AM

    Ah a fellow person who likes quiet while writing!

  7. MichelleH 05.24.2018 at 12:23 PM

    There’s a cover of “Zombie” that’s been playing on a Sirius channel over and over. I love it because I love the song, but every time I hear it, I want it to be Dolores. 100%. This was such an interesting piece. You gave me so much personality in the music you mentioned. The funny thing is, when I read your response to a comment where you said that you wanted to talk more about O’Riordan’s death, I wished you had! Now I want to see how you could’ve tied your reserve into your letting loose with her death. And that’s why I need to comment BEFORE I read anything else. 🙂

    1. Synna Coal 05.25.2018 at 7:58 AM

      Aw thank you so much for your kind words. And yes the cover they made of Zombie is spectacular. I actually am planning a personal piece about The Cranberries, Dolores and how hearing that news of her death jolted me into a major funk. Hopefully it will be something relatable and worth reading. I’m trying to draw the line for myself between journaling and personal essay.

      Thanks for stopping by and leaving those kind words. 💕

  8. saroful 05.24.2018 at 11:13 PM

    This feels almost like two essays that are maybe siblings but not great friends. They’re both relatable, but they don’t work smoothly or naturally together. I’d love to see more transition between “music is great” and “I need to be comfortable in my own skin” – maybe a passage linking them back up to how music made you *feel* comfortable, or some examples of openness. Right now you’ve got music and openness/social activities set up as connected in the first half of the essay and as opposites in the second half. I like both these essays very much, but I’d’ve preferred to see you pick one.

    1. Synna Coal 05.25.2018 at 7:54 AM

      Thank you so much for your feedback. 😁 I will definitely work on topic and flow.

  9. unfoldingfromthefog 05.25.2018 at 10:38 AM

    I could relate to this so much as my younger self. On opening up to friends I’ll say this. I didn’t feel safe opening up to the friends I had in high school and much of college. But as an adult I found friends who I felt safe with to share my secrets without worrying about being judged or talked about. I hope the same for you.

    1. Synna Coal 05.26.2018 at 7:35 PM

      Thank you for the kind words. Maybe one day I will have that. 🙂