When I was a child growing up in Virginia Beach, I had an affinity for listening to music. I carry that same affinity today, but I doubt I listen to music as much as I did as a child and then adolescent. I can remember my favorite radio station being Z-104.3. It played hits like La Bouche “Be My Lover” and of course Madonna and Sheryl Crow and 4 Non Blonds. The list goes on. Crazily enough, you can still find it on iHeartRadio. It’s now out of Baltimore and Ariana Grande and Pitbull and others have replaced the pop of the 90’s.
As I grew older, music became more of an outlet for me than just something catchy and fun to listen to. I grew less social as I got older and less trusting of confiding in others. If I was angry, KoRn was my go to. If I was really sad, Fiona Apple fit the bill along with the greatest band I feel of my time, The Cranberries. Fiona gets me with the lyrics — I sooo admire her work. Dolores O’Riordan of The Cranberries gets me with her voice.
I used to listen to music all of the time. By myself in my room, with my sister in her room, every friend I would go play with. In fact, one of the things my friends and I loved to do was act like we were singing in a concert. We would put on a CD and literally rock out. Those times were always the best.
Today though, I listen to music in the car, while I’m doing housework or taking a shower. Rarely do I play it when I am just hanging out. And if I am writing like I am now, I need the silence.
Going back to music being my outlet, it makes me wonder what exact moment caused that for me. What caused me to be less trusting of friends and more inclined to listen to music to really experience my feelings. Maybe my life has always been like that. I mean, it comes pretty natural for me to listen to what others have to say rather than speak my mind, let alone my heart.
The other day I was chatting with a friend when she said again what she’s said a few times before, “You don’t open up. You push people away, and as close as we are, you’re not even open with me.”
And she’s not wrong. But I don’t know how to open up. And times where I may have opened up a little bit, I end up feeling dismissed. Perhaps not everyone is meant to be open. Maybe it’s not something I need to improve.
Possibly I just need to be comfortable in my own skin and hearing about everyone else’s issues while keeping my cards close.