When chatting with a coworker the other day, I stumbled upon an epiphany about myself. Have you ever just said something in passing only to realize you revealed a truth about yourself? This coworker asked why I hadn’t taken advantage of one of the benefits offered to us and I haphazardly replied that I am a commitment-phobe. And only then did I realize how true that was. And I wonder if everyone in my life who knows me well is already aware, because looking back on all my choices and actions I have made, it’s pretty damn obvious.
It doesn’t seem like any part of my life is safe from my idle and fleeting heart. Relationships, friendships, school, work, family… everything has fallen victim to my commitment issues at one point or another, and sometimes, repeatedly.
I was an average student. I didn’t really begin loathing school until my high school years. And I don’t really remember what I loathed about it so much. Maybe it was part having to go and part how I felt about my social life at the time. I am typically self-conscious. I assume people feel a particular way about me and take that as fact. It is always in a negative light. Growing up, when we moved to Florida, most of my friendships started off with someone thinking I was a bitch or getting into a bitch fight before we really knew each other. I can remember how I met Katie in the 5th grade. We were on a field trip in DC at a museum when I saw a portrait of a woman who had my first name. I was walking past Katie and made a silly comment about it to no one in particular and saw she gave me a look. It was then an argument began and our mutual friends became involved in trying to get us to settle. Shortly after the incident, Katie and I became really good friends.
Back to high school, I felt like a square peg trying to fit into a round hole. When my senior year started, I dropped out shortly after. I completed what they called a correspondence school to get my high school diploma. I would find out years later, and after having obtained my Associate of Science degree, that the school was a sham.
When I finished the correspondence school, I started a semester at the community college. The math class was going too fast for me and I felt disgruntled by the fact that college felt like high school 2.0. I dropped out that semester.
I wanted to go away to school and have that whole college experience. I found a technical arts college and enrolled in the Film and Video Production program. What an experience. I had two roommates and we gelled pretty well. It wasn’t until I met my then boyfriend that things got sticky.
At one point during the program, I wanted to leave with my tail tucked between my legs. My mom pushed me to press on and I completed, but the truth is my degree is just one hell of an expensive piece of paper.
Relationships and Friendships
I met Jorge at the technical arts college. Our programs started by month and my roommates, myself, and Jorge were all in the same first class. Treena noticed Jorge first. He was the opposite of what she was normally attracted to in a sense that he listened to Tech9, ICP, and Kottonmouth Kings and wore JNCO pants and had tatts for days. Unfortunately, Jorge was noticing me. Jorge ended up lamenting he wanted to switch from his program. Treena and my other roommate Myra were trying to get him into their program. Jorge turned to me and asked what I was studying. He switched to Film by the end of the day.
Jorge was my first real relationship and we became so close so quickly that we were rarely apart. I don’t know if Treena was bothered by this because of her initial crush since we never spoke of it, but she became enraged overtime with how I was spending my time. She was upset that we rarely hung out anymore and that Jorge was monopolizing all of my time that I wasn’t in class. One day she lost it on me and was screaming in my face, banging on my door, completely acting out and I don’t really remember what it all entailed. I spoke to my mom about it and of course only hearing my side, my mom wasn’t happy and we had to figure out what I was going to do. I wrote a scathing letter the next day and left it on the coffee table in the living room.
Myra was coming back from class the day after having read it, as Jorge and I were leaving for class. She demanded we all have a meeting right then with Jorge included and I declined. I told her I was here for school and nothing is to get in the way of that. I moved out shortly after and that was the last of my friendship with my roommates.
Eventually, I ended up living with Jorge and his family. One day we were driving somewhere when he asked me for my ring size. Now I do believe I loved Jorge as much as I am capable of, but the question caused me complete hesitation. So I proceeded to annoy him by asking why he was asking. He has a temper so I knew it would spark. Becoming aggravated, he said, “Nevermind, just forget it.”
That was the beginning of our issues. Passion turned to violence and we broke up after school was over. I was completely heartbroken. Since then, my relationships have been fleeting and sometimes tumultuous.
My work life is as stable as my romantic life. I have had 3 jobs in the last 2 years. I think it goes back to school and how I felt in high school. I get assumptions about how people may think of me and since it’s typically negative, I have a hard time forming a work connection with my peers and even higher-ups.
I see the issue. I am aware it is an issue. The fix is where I am concerned. Because of my idle and fleeting ways, I will always repeat the same routine when it comes to these categories of my life. I just need to figure out the best way to start breaking the cycle. I need to learn to trust and connect. Maybe one day I will.