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More Self Aware Than Necessary

The other day I wrote about an epiphany I had the other day chatting with a coworker. This morning I was going through old drafts that were once public, looking for inspiration to expound upon something I may have glossed over before. I’m all about that content management.

The big epiphany, thanks for asking, was about discovering I am a commitment-phobe. Well, low and behold, in a draft from 08/12/2017 (a year ago!), I finished the piece with the line, “I obviously have commitment issues.” And the piece was about not knowing my future and how I felt being unemployed at that time.

I feel there are a couple parts to me. The aloof, go-with-the-flow, no fucks are given me and the acutely introspective critic that keeps regurgitating important information to the aloof who once in a while reacts in awe, then forgets about it and goes on being aloof.

If that doesn’t sum me up as a person, I don’t know what would.

 


Featured Photo by Tiffany Combs on Unsplash

The Idle Heart

When chatting with a coworker the other day, I stumbled upon an epiphany about myself. Have you ever just said something in passing only to realize you revealed a truth about yourself? This coworker asked why I hadn’t taken advantage of one of the benefits offered to us and I haphazardly replied that I am a commitment-phobe. And only then did I realize how true that was. And I wonder if everyone in my life who knows me well is already aware, because looking back on all my choices and actions I have made, it’s pretty damn obvious.

It doesn’t seem like any part of my life is safe from my idle and fleeting heart. Relationships, friendships, school, work, family… everything has fallen victim to my commitment issues at one point or another, and sometimes, repeatedly.

School

I was an average student. I didn’t really begin loathing school until my high school years. And I don’t really remember what I loathed about it so much. Maybe it was part having to go and part how I felt about my social life at the time. I am typically self-conscious. I assume people feel a particular way about me and take that as fact. It is always in a negative light. Growing up, when we moved to Florida, most of my friendships started off with someone thinking I was a bitch or getting into a bitch fight before we really knew each other. I can remember how I met Katie in the 5th grade. We were on a field trip in DC at a museum when I saw a portrait of a woman who had my first name. I was walking past Katie and made a silly comment about it to no one in particular and saw she gave me a look. It was then an argument began and our mutual friends became involved in trying to get us to settle. Shortly after the incident, Katie and I became really good friends.

Back to high school, I felt like a square peg trying to fit into a round hole. When my senior year started, I dropped out shortly after. I completed what they called a correspondence school to get my high school diploma. I would find out years later, and after having obtained my Associate of Science degree, that the school was a sham.

When I finished the correspondence school, I started a semester at the community college. The math class was going too fast for me and I felt disgruntled by the fact that college felt like high school 2.0. I dropped out that semester.

I wanted to go away to school and have that whole college experience. I found a technical arts college and enrolled in the Film and Video Production program. What an experience. I had two roommates and we gelled pretty well. It wasn’t until I met my then boyfriend that things got sticky.

At one point during the program, I wanted to leave with my tail tucked between my legs. My mom pushed me to press on and I completed, but the truth is my degree is just one hell of an expensive piece of paper.

Relationships and Friendships

I met Jorge at the technical arts college. Our programs started by month and my roommates, myself, and Jorge were all in the same first class. Treena noticed Jorge first. He was the opposite of what she was normally attracted to in a sense that he listened to Tech9, ICP, and Kottonmouth Kings and wore JNCO pants and had tatts for days. Unfortunately, Jorge was noticing me. Jorge ended up lamenting he wanted to switch from his program. Treena and my other roommate Myra were trying to get him into their program. Jorge turned to me and asked what I was studying. He switched to Film by the end of the day.

Jorge was my first real relationship and we became so close so quickly that we were rarely apart. I don’t know if Treena was bothered by this because of her initial crush since we never spoke of it, but she became enraged overtime with how I was spending my time. She was upset that we rarely hung out anymore and that Jorge was monopolizing all of my time that I wasn’t in class. One day she lost it on me and was screaming in my face, banging on my door, completely acting out and I don’t really remember what it all entailed. I spoke to my mom about it and of course only hearing my side, my mom wasn’t happy and we had to figure out what I was going to do. I wrote a scathing letter the next day and left it on the coffee table in the living room.

Myra was coming back from class the day after having read it, as Jorge and I were leaving for class. She demanded we all have a meeting right then with Jorge included and I declined. I told her I was here for school and nothing is to get in the way of that. I moved out shortly after and that was the last of my friendship with my roommates.

Eventually, I ended up living with Jorge and his family. One day we were driving somewhere when he asked me for my ring size. Now I do believe I loved Jorge as much as I am capable of, but the question caused me complete hesitation. So I proceeded to annoy him by asking why he was asking. He has a temper so I knew it would spark. Becoming aggravated, he said, “Nevermind, just forget it.”

That was the beginning of our issues. Passion turned to violence and we broke up after school was over. I was completely heartbroken. Since then, my relationships have been fleeting and sometimes tumultuous.

Work

My work life is as stable as my romantic life. I have had 3 jobs in the last 2 years. I think it goes back to school and how I felt in high school. I get assumptions about how people may think of me and since it’s typically negative, I have a hard time forming a work connection with my peers and even higher-ups.

In closing

I see the issue. I am aware it is an issue. The fix is where I am concerned. Because of my idle and fleeting ways, I will always repeat the same routine when it comes to these categories of my life. I just need to figure out the best way to start breaking the cycle. I need to learn to trust and connect. Maybe one day I will.

 

 

coffee @midnight

I am probably going to live to regret this, but I will live. I fell asleep sometime after 6 this evening. I slept on and off until about midnight. I decided at that time that I wanted to be up for a bit and made some coffee.

I have been debating for sometime now if I want to write about the demise of a friendship. Part of me has no desire to document such thing in this blog. It’s mine and I want to look back on my writings without negative emotions creeping up. At the same time, I am curious if writing about it and getting it out of my system will help to dissipate the negative feelings that are lingering within me at this time.

The main reason I gave up my friendship with this person is because she looked down at my life and my choices. Being around her or on the phone with her became daunting. The irony in this is I had similar feelings towards her with her own life, I just never vocalized it or showed it.

Aside from the fact of her judgments of me, she has a lot of issues. Now, her issues are of course my own perception, but I wasn’t the only person who felt this way. The issues became all consuming and it came to the point where it was hard tolerating her.

To give you an idea of what I am referring to, I will share an excerpt from a blog post she wrote about me after the falling out:

“I tried to be understanding because I knew her life wasn’t easy. She is alone and doesn’t know what a healthy relationship with anyone looks like. She runs when anyone tries to care about her or get close and runs even faster if you criticize her choices or motives. Mostly she ran because she didn’t get her way. But a “good” friend doesn’t leave for any reason and I stayed even when I didn’t agree with her choices or actions.”

That snippet gives an idea of what it felt like to hang around her. Even when she wasn’t hurt or angry with me, she pretty much would cut me down in direct and indirect ways.

And to set the story straight, I run from the unhealthy – not the healthy. And I am well aware what healthy relationships look like. Lastly, I live alone, I am not alone.

funny little doubts

School starts this month and I am excited to be back working toward a degree.

meme comparing what was planned to what actually happened.

The major I have chosen is Computer Science. I want to work in the Artificial Intelligence and Machine Learning area and though I feel I am smart enough to go for it, I still have funny little doubts.

For instance, when I did my college entrance exam many moons ago, I tested into developmental math. So my first math course in the college was at the same level of what my nephew was learning in the 5th grade. Sad but true. Upside? Free homework helper!

Now for the computer science degree, you need college-level algebra, trig, precalculus, calculus with analytical geometry 1 and 2, chemistry, physics with calculus 1 and 2, and all of this has to be taken in the first two years to complete your associate’s and to go into your bachelor’s.

Pray for me.

 

 

 

Organic Chem 101

I wrote a post back in April called Organic Chemistry. In it, I explained how I wanted to meet someone naturally out in the world rather than on some app through the screen of my device. People have had wonderful success with online dating, I’m just not one of them.

gif image of a red haired woman scrolling through images of people on her phone
Credit.

 

Friday seemed like an ordinary day at work. I now work in sales so it’s pretty upbeat. Jordan* came in with his son and was interested in purchasing a new phone. He was with a woman as well so I assumed they were a couple. Then shortly into the interaction, Jordan made a point to mention she’s a friend while she was off shopping in other parts of the mall. We ended up bantering and flirting through the interaction and then I walked him over to the setup table for a warm handoff. When we shook hands, he passed me a small folded piece of paper. I went to the back for my break and it was his number.

The first text to Jordan was “Chick-Fil-A or Sbarros?” because mall food courts = nutrition. Through the texting, we decided to make plans to go bowling the following night. At the bowling alley, I began throwing straight gutter balls. He kept telling me he can have the bumpers put up and I eventually resigned. When the bumpers were up on our second game, I hit them only once or twice. I never made a strike, but I did make a few spares. I think the bumpers helped in guiding how I threw the ball, as well as the fact I bowl funny and I was trying not to show him the first game. I do this thing where I hop before I go to swing the ball. Sans hopping the first game had me in the gutters and that’s my story on that.

On my Facebook, I have a few posts from when I went to a Pride Parade a couple of months ago. I receive a text from Jordan, “Can I ask you something? You can’t get mad.” I texted, “No promises.” He came back with, “Are you attracted to women?” And immediately my eyes rolled. I wasn’t thinking about my Facebook, I was thinking about the question I have received from some men who want to get down in threesomes. I stated, “I am attracted to attractive people, but I wouldn’t have sex with a woman.” Then I see, “So you’re not a lesbian?” and I laughed. I didn’t know where he got the notion at this point, so I said, “I think a major prereq for lesbians is sexual encounters with other women.” Then he says, “Oh okay, I wasn’t sure since you had the pride parade on your Facebook.” I came back with, “Love is love. But I am very hetero. You didn’t give your number to a lesbian. :: wink emoji::”

Last night we had dinner at Outback and it was amazing. I am looking forward to finishing the rest of my filet and slice of cheesecake sometime today.


Featured Photo by Andrew Neel on Unsplash
*pseudonym

Breaking and Entering

I committed my first, and to my knowledge at this point, only breaking and entering offense when I was either 8 or 9-years-old.
image of tupac the rapper talking how thug life hit him

I had a really close friend named Tasia. She was a latch-key kid so typically when we ran the hood — read: rode our bikes around the neighborhood — we usually ended up in some mischief. For example, one time we left the neighborhood to go to a nearby lake. We were playing around and I pushed her and she ended knee-deep into the murky water. She was not happy. I remember another time we came across her step-dad’s adult magazines and videos he kept in a duffel bag in a closet of a room — that may have been off-limits to us. We did innocent things as well. Such as, dancing around the living room blasting Salt N’ Pepa’s Very Necessary album with popular tracks like Shoop and None of Your Business. Eloquent lyrics such as:

Believe me, if he’s something that I want, I’m steppin’ closer
I’m not one for playing high-pole
Like the house of ditty-nine-oh-two-one-oh type of the ho
I treat a man like he treats me
The difference between a hooker and a ho ain’t nothin’ but a fee
So hold your tongue tightly, wish you could be like me
You’re poppin’ all that mess only to stress and to spite me
Now you can get with that or you can get with this
But I don’t give a shit ’cause really it’s none of your business

I still love that song. It’s actually always been my favorite off of the album. Anyway, I digress. It was the 90’s and we enjoyed it in all the ways we could.

So one sunny day, Tasia and I decided to go to my neck of the hood to my neighbor’s house to see if she was home. Her name was Vivian and she was a young woman I would hang out with sometimes and we would make ugly wooden lamps, but I thought they were cool. I wanted to show Tasia.

Needless to say, since this is about breaking and entering, Vivian wasn’t home. She had a yappy little puppy and due to Tasia and mine’s presence on the property, the dog was doing its yappy thing. I got the idea — usually, I was the one with the bizarre ideas and notions — that the dog was in trouble.

image of lego super girl in the air reacting to offscreen event

I told Tasia we had to get over the fence to check on the dog. We did just that and the dog was fine of course. As it turns out though, we couldn’t get back over the fence. The side door to the garage was open so I had the brilliant idea to go exploring — forgetting about the wooden lamps altogether. Tasia’s curiosity was just as insatiable as mine which is why we were always into mischief and great friends.

We walked through the side door and into the garage. I was in Vivian’s garage a few times so nothing piqued my interest there. Discovering the door to the house unlocked certainly did. And so it was, we walked into the house through the mudroom and into the kitchen. We looked at knickknacks and notes until we ended up in the living room. To the left of us was a long hallway past the stairs that ended at the front door. We were by the desk to our right looking at something when we heard the noise of keys at the front door.

young woman saying oh shit
Tasia’s exasperated reaction when I ignored her several “we have to go” attempts.

Vivian was not pleased. She wanted to know how, why and how long. We left at her request, but she never told my mom. Vivian was kinda cool like that. To my knowledge, I have never been in someone’s house uninvited since that day. I have a feeling it’s probably the same for Tasia. We went back to our usual mischief and kept that day to ourselves.

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Featured Image from Stocksnap.io

Pondering

For most of my life, I have struggled with figuring out what I want to be when I grow up. I’m technically grown and still struggling. If I go back to school, I’ll have to jump through some hoops to possibly get financial aid back. If I do not get financial aid, I cannot afford to go back to school.

Then there’s the question of if I do go back to school, what will I go for? And that’s where the real conundrum lies because I think I have exhausted every possible major I would be remotely interested in.

Although looking at the other hand, if I do not go back, what are my options then? Paycheck-to-paycheck living? That’s what I have been doing for about a decade and it’s becoming quite old.