Cruel Intentions

I have a confession. Well, let’s be real, I usually do. I think a lot of people do, in all reality. But eh, just go with me.



My world became too much. It started on Monday. I was at work, and then half way through my shift, I had to leave. I felt mental. So I went home and I cried. I felt the lowest I had in a long time.

I called out Tuesday and Wednesday for migraines. I scheduled an appointment to see my doctor. Before my appointment, I left the house to go take pictures. The featured image is mine.

Aptly, it features the sun peeking through the trees. Even when I was little, I always preferred the sun over the rain. The sun meant freedom to go play. I can remember when the clouds would gather before the rain came and I would stare out of my bedroom window feeling forlorn. In Virginia, once it began to rain, it would go on for hours.

I have a tattoo of a sun on my wrist. It is a reminder that at some point the sun will return. At some point, my feelings of despair will relent and let the sunshine in.

Time, Use it Wisely?

I am envious of people who can use their time wisely. And maybe, there could be wise time users who are envious of my wasting of time – or, to be kinder to myself, my “I do what I want when I want (when I’m not scheduled for work)” way of time use.

Or not.

Yesterday I woke up. I intended to do some cleaning after my copious amounts of coffee, but instead for the next 10-13 hours, I posted too much on Facebook and didn’t eat because I was too lazy to leave my house AND snubbing my nose at my delivery options.

For dinner, at 9:45 last night, I made italian seasoned turkey sausage with hot sicilian red sauce and ate it without the spaghetti.

I did however have a few moments of I should be doing something with my life aside from what I am doing now (and by now I mean working a part time job with pretty decent health benefits for a company that most people who are fans of would kill to work for, but ostensibly making no more than enough to live paycheck to paycheck on) — So I made a new FASFA (application for financial aid for school) and submitted it hoping the only criteria that would need to follow is the form that is begging for forgiveness for not holding my end of the bargain up with last time’s use of financial aid.

Long story, better left untold.

I view my job similar to the job I had as a pharmacy technician. Yes, I am employed. Yes, I am making enough to afford my bills. But do I want to work to pay bills for the next ten years (like I did as an Rx tech) or do I want to have a career that can afford my bills and savings toward my future, oh shit fund, plus those travelling ideas I have in mind? I am a single childfree woman, I should make enough to take whole care — physically, emotionally, financially and fun — of myself. Not just keep floating by paycheck to paycheck.

So yes, I am envious of wise time users. I hope to be one one day.





Tuesday Tangent

My title would make more sense if I had a post theme where every Tuesday I shared my tangents, but I don’t. I picked it because both words start with T, today happens to be Tuesday, and I have some tangents that have been building up, and maybe lastly, week of the day themes seem to be trending. Let me just hop on this gravy train.

People are Assholes

I have come to realize in the general bulk of traits in humanity, the easiest ones to default to are the ones where you act an asshole to those around you, or a selected few, or that stranger on the internet that doesn’t know you from fucking Adam, but you think of yourself in such esteem that you assume what you have to say will matter to that person whether it be an insult or your steaming pile of idiocy. You know, kinda like how I use my blog as a platform to say whatever the fuck I find purposeful to blab about on any given day.

The trigger: I watched a video on Facebook where a girl is telling her story of what happened when she went to take her first college final. It was amusing, she’s a good storyteller and happens to be studying film, or at least in that particular class.

Welcome comment section! Slay thee!!

Fucking don’t know from Adam guy pops in: [his exact words] Okay, greetings from Germany. First of all I like the US of A and the American People but…

Seriously this girl is Living Proof that there is something wrong with your educational system.

I like watching Movies but there is no way to Justify that writing about Napoleon Dynamite is part of getting a degree.

She is too fucking Stupid too find her class. I don’t think she can Tell apart Mickey Mouse from Goofy.

[End Quote]

First of all, I don’t even know if I like the American People, so buddy, what’s your experience from Germany?

Okay, okay that was small of me. What gets me is he has a point that our educational system is fucked. I know this, you know this, the majority of the world probably knows this. But I could write a 10 year thesis on that. Not today.

This girl was amused by her events leading up to her first college final or she exaggerated parts to make it funnier. Maybe she wrote her final on some spectacular historical film and wanted to be cheeky for the video. WE don’t know. Either way, any critique for a final on a film is relevant. Therefore, fucking don’t know from Adam guy, who are you to say what goes into the criteria for a college degree?

One more thing before moving on from the asshat, why the low blows? You like American People, why insult her intelligence for getting lost on a college campus? Do you not know how grand some of our American college/universities are? Some are the size of towns, i.e. why she could use Google maps to find her correct building.

Greetings from US of A.

People are Assholes II

It is not our fundamental nature to be kind and care about the people around us. Some people are lucky and grow up in ways where they have finessed not ever falling into the asshole default mode. Kids are assholes, parents are assholes, men, women, girls, boys, lesbians, gays, tansgendered/sexuals, anyone who may not be listed here because we have labels for everything and those who don’t fit labels or rebel against them. ALL OF HUMANS.

We are selfish and we need to face that to be able to better move forward and maybe turn a leaf and be kinder. Our realities are based 100% off of our perceptions.

Don’t know from Adam guy was insulted by the video, I was amused. His keyboard lashings triggered a reaction in me to defend this girl who, shocking, I don’t know from fucking Adam. And I didn’t take it to the comments where there were 106 replies to his one comment, I kept it to blog about. To get it off my chest and then add my two cents on MY perception of humanity. See what I did there?

Because our realities are 100% our own perceptions of ourselves, the people in our lives, the strangers on the street, etc. we are selfish. We really are the rulers of our universes.

It takes effort to be kind. It takes effort to develop empathy. It takes effort to really try to place ourselves in someone else’s shoes. Maybe that don’t know from Adam guy had a rough day when he viewed this clip. Maybe he lashed a bit because something else was bugging him. Maybe he’s a troll. Or maybe he’s just a high and mighty prick.

Whatever the case may be, I hope he never comes my way. I’ll show him the US of A.

It takes more effort to be kind than it does to be an asshole. I think because the reverse is touted we just assume people will be kind to one another. Work in a service job if you don’t believe me.

Also, I implore thee to make a comment if you feel like ya want to. Asshole or not, I don’t know you from Adam so give me all the two cents ya gots.


Music video for context of why I titled this post the way I did.

I am 100% curious by nature. Sometimes a smidge more than 100% and my mother can vouch because she raised me and has had to deal with my incessant questions in conversations since I was a wee one. Maybe not my first word, but I wouldn’t doubt it if my first full sentence was a question.

Also by nature, I have falling outs with friends and people. Sometimes my fault, sometimes theirs, sometimes both and sometimes just misunderstandings that never get corrected. But the sense of wanting to know how they are doing never wavers. I may not want them in my life and vice versa, but I want to know how they are in a completely neutral respect. With today’s social media, I am able to do that.

Hense: Snoop.

I may not be P.I. level, but having grown up with the internet, I am pretty damn good at finding out the need to know, or just the casual curiosities. And just so we are on the same page, I have never stumbled upon information that wasn’t made public. I don’t hack or do anything intrusive like that. One avenue this post could go is the debate on if looking someone up is offensive or weird or if it’s the social norm of this age. I lean toward social norm because of the information being public. If you have a record and are mad I found it through a Google search, jokes on you buddy – maybe you shouldn’t have gotten the record. But that’s not the avenue for today. Today is a little different.

The short version (so I can get to what I really want to discuss) is I checked a social media page of a former friend. The quick back story is that we have had intense friendships with equally intense falling outs. The first falling out was caused by my sister who was friends with her first. We reconnected after a while and hid the friendship from my sister. The second fallout happened when she was abusing opioids. I had to walk away because I was unable to help her. We made up a year or so later and she seemed better until she got sick again and started using again. She went to a facility and was back and forth on the idea of being an addict. When she got out, she was texting me about a fight she was having with someone close to her. She had been unhappy since she got back. I told her that she needed to take a step back because with everyone in her life they were always either really great or really awful. Her thinking was black and white. She didn’t like that and made it very clear with colorful language – and that’s the last we spoke.

She now has been updating about dealing with multiple mental health issues and substance abuse.

I feel guilty. I know she’s going through that period where it’s back and forth on what she does or doesn’t have and what she will accept vs. what she won’t. I feel guilty because when I was first diagnosed with a mental health condition, I had people I thought were going to be with me no matter what vanish into thin air. One person even told a mutual friend of ours that she didn’t want her child around me. I know what it feels like to be left behind because of having a mental disorder.

Maybe she doesn’t care. Maybe I wasn’t to her what my once friends were to me. Maybe I am painting her with the same brush that I painted myself with.

I feel guilty because I am healthy and at a good place in my life and I don’t feel strong enough to be there for her. I don’t feel I could withstand the ups and the downs she’s going through on any given day.

But I miss her. And I hope she finds solace.


Ink, Guys, and Friends

Today is Christmas. So, Merry Christmas.

I worked like crazy all pre-holiday, but not without some fun in the mix.

First we shall start with work. I was a new hire in September with another person. I made a few friends with my new hire crew, but this one was a little different. He would flirt with me and I felt it was harmless so I flirted back. He is 6 years my junior which matters because I will admit I am an ageist. I don’t and have never dated or been intimate with anyone younger than me. The way this person flirts is physical. And again I felt it harmless and started having a mild school-age kinda crush on him. Until.

I found out he’s married.


On to the next.

My bestie whom I met when I worked for that car dealership joined the military. She’s back on paid holiday so we got together the other day to test out my Sony a6300.

Unedited JPEG.

That’s the only decent pic because it was hot outside and I planted the seed about going to a tattoo shop. Which she was totally down for. So we went to a hotdog place for lunch that has been in the area for eons. We didn’t have hotdogs. I had wings and she had grilled chicken. And then she proceeded to eat all of the fries because she thought my order was part of her double order and I was too amused to stop her.

We ended up driving to the same tattoo shop we went to last time she was in town except instead of me getting the ink, it was her.

Untouched Pixel 2 shot.

Well I have to get ready to do a family thing and then off to hang with a guy…

Not the married one.