Posts tagged introspection

More Self Aware Than Necessary

The other day I wrote about an epiphany I had the other day chatting with a coworker. This morning I was going through old drafts that were once public, looking for inspiration to expound upon something I may have glossed over before. I’m all about that content management.

The big epiphany, thanks for asking, was about discovering I am a commitment-phobe. Well, low and behold, in a draft from 08/12/2017 (a year ago!), I finished the piece with the line, “I obviously have commitment issues.” And the piece was about not knowing my future and how I felt being unemployed at that time.

I feel there are a couple parts to me. The aloof, go-with-the-flow, no fucks are given me and the acutely introspective critic that keeps regurgitating important information to the aloof who once in a while reacts in awe, then forgets about it and goes on being aloof.

If that doesn’t sum me up as a person, I don’t know what would.


Featured Photo by Tiffany Combs on Unsplash

What do I need more of in my life?

He said: Don’t you feel lonely living in your own little world?
She whispered: Don’t you feel powerless living in other people’s worlds?

Interestingly enough, LaxxStyle is a play on words based on how I have felt as of late. I feel awkward when communicating with other people. Having discussions or conversations or simply trying to express my thoughts or feelings about something. I am very confident in my ability to text, email, or blog, but verbally – I flop. Or so I feel.

Essentially, LaxxStyle is lacks style. And not in the sense of fashion, which is another story, but in the sense of turning my thoughts into coherent sentences.

It kinda stems a little from social anxiety. I’m just a typical person, highly insecure about some things, highly confident in other things.

The quote above, I found on Pinterest when looking for prompts to get my creativity flowing. It’s a poetry stanza by someone known as FG. I feel it suits me. I have joked all of my life about hibernating. I used to say if I lived up north, I would need a job that allowed me to work from home for as long as each winter every year. In today’s time, that could be plausible, back then not so much.

I have lost the ability to get lonely and I rarely feel bored. If I have a day, like today, where it’s just me running some errands and accomplishing things I need to do on my day off, I am perfectly content. If I wake up in the morning on a day off and don’t leave the house the entire day, again I am still content. I either thoroughly enjoy my company and/or downtime, or I am prepping for being the last person on earth. That’s a joke. I’d be the first to go in a horror flick.

But as I was on Pinterest realizing writing prompts meant fiction and not nonfiction, I looked up blog prompts. One of the questions on a posted list appealed to me and hence became my title. What do I need more of in my life?

Right now, food. And sometimes overall I need more food. Last night I was so hungry after work I ate potato salad and jalape├▒o stuffed green olives. That was my dinner.

I used to want a man. I could be happy single, but I wanted to be in love. Now, I don’t feel that. I don’t know where it went and maybe one day it will return (or I’ll end up the crazy dog lady), but in the most literal of sense, I don’t want to be attached.

I do worry what other people think. I try not to but, sorry guilty as charged, I am human. And I believe thinking what other people could be thinking of me maybe drew me to this question more than myself.

I work, I am fine keeping in contact with people via text and social media, I don’t have a significant other nor do I seem to want one, and I can be in my house for hours on straight just doing whatever I want and be happy.

Okay, guess I already am the crazy dog lady.